This is a deeply personal blog to me. I’m not going to share it on Facebook unless I find someone that will get me to forget about how I’m feeling.
I want to get people to understand what I was going through on Sunday 13th March 2016 and I’m just recording this as a diary of a key event in my life when I was devastated but forever be in my memory.
I was in that word LOVE. From thinking about it makes it emotional because it is upsetting. I don’t wish to tell people what her name is but this is just my account.
So we met each other online, I met her on eHarmony, I did the process where you submit an interest and went from there. After the process, we exchanged numbers and went from there 🙂
She rang me up one day and we just got chatting and we got chatting on Skype, we were in a similar situation where we didn’t have that many friends 😦 no job prospects 😦 and so both of us wanted to better our lives.
After a few weeks later we sent each other valentine cards, I didn’t ask for that to happen, it was agreed between ourselves a week before, this what I wrote on the card:
“I dream that our loving friendship isn’t virtual but real. There isn’t anyone right now that can replace you in my heart. As long as we are in touch every week I will still be loving you ❤️
I dream that when we finally meet as strangers that our love for each other won’t be blinded and that our fire will not go out.”
The thing was, we were pushy on the idea of meeting or seeing other. I didn’t know exactly when I was going to meet her. I did feel pressured by her in the first two months to arranging to meet together. I wrote a note which summarised how I felt about it:
“I wanna book it.
LETS DO IT
I don’t want to wait till August
She is a lovely girl
I don’t want to break her heart
I am going to try and keep it a secret from my parents
I’m booking it”
The truth is, I booked it about a fortnight in advance. Normally, kids or people tell their parents where they go but I usually keep things about where I go to myself. It worked previously before when I visited Cheltenham and Oxford. If I did go somewhere like York or Leicester by myself then usually I show no fear.
I don’t remember my initial feelings of her on the day, I just seemed very hesitant because I was meeting the person for the first time, I was pretty miserable heading on the trip because a day earlier I was sent an email saying an job application wasn’t successful. Because I was travelling on airplane for the first time, I had to prepare a few bits there and then. I didn’t know what I wanted to say, I only known the person for a short time and I was heading to the unknown so there were a few things that were new to me on the day.
I don’t regret not booking the tickets to Dublin, it wasn’t ALL about meeting the girl in person (well it was one of the main things I had in mind) but I wanted to spend the day visiting and touring Dublin. I wouldn’t have changed how I conducted myself on the day, I didn’t feel that I was on a date, to me it was a get to together or a social thing. I am struggling to believe that people generally kiss after a first visit? I basically want to be with someone who I can develop chemistry overtime. Perhaps that is why when I am thinking about telling this story that I’m not the right person because if I did kiss her on the day or hugged her, (I don’t know) I wouldn’t feel that I would truly have meant it so I have no regrets about the way I conducted myself either, and NO I’m not looking for a one night stand and so I had prepared to return back the same day.
I wasn’t in a relationship for a start but it feels that it was a relationship. I’m a worrier, that’s what I am, if that person finds someone else with their own preference then I’m not going to get over it. I was flooding with tears the day after I got back from Dublin because I was missing the person so much. This situation was new to me and I was missing her during that time. To me there were elements of a relationship but what do I know? I’ve hardly been in a true relationship.
Anyway, I am not or wasn’t prepared to sacrifice and leave behind my family and life in London solely for her. It is too much too soon, however the circumstances, it was only like two or three months so great. I hope she finds someone that meets her requirements or people have more patience.
I got a phone call which wasn’t the call I would have liked to hear on Sunday (8 days after meeting her in person). I started off saying that I was reminiscing about the time we had in Dublin. Then I got a BOMBSHELL, she said she didn’t feel attracted to me so I just left it at “we would remain friends”, it is upsetting that I was looking forward to something then I get K.O from something that hurts me emotionally. I felt like listening to the song “Everytime” by Britney Spears. The way she looks like and my memory of her will be fading away, it is affected me personally and so she hasn’t given me much choice in the matter as much as it pains me to say it, I don’t like this decision but I have to move on. It was drowning me with tears, she won’t understand how I felt between when I got back from Dublin and March 13th.
Overall, this experience has taught me an awful lot, I will want to find someone else that is closer to home in future. That someone else is not going to be easy by any means. It isn’t going to wash away the pain anytime soon. Right now, it is difficult to come into terms of having a heart broken.
I feel it’s OVER now and I’m truly devastated and emotional just how this has turned out. I feel like Andy Murray the year before he won Wimbledon in 2012. I can say is I’M GETTING CLOSER to getting in a relationship. I had big things in mind with her, I’m much better at writing things then actually speaking them.
The thought of her and her alone was inspirational to me. From having discussions with her, she is talking to me to stuff that I don’t have the confidence to do. I am going to consider taking driving lessons soon.
When and if she came to visit me, I would have wanted to shown her the limelights of London, she was interested in horticulture so Kew Gardens and Hampton Court came to my mind as places to visit. I would have wanted to introduce her to my family over Christmas this year and have some short trips together so it is going to be a tough pill to swallow. Things haven’t worked out to what I have planned. I want to be glad that I am making a right decision but I feel like a dejected divorcee. This experience hasn’t put me off from visiting Dublin tho or meeting strangers or exploring places.
I’m glad this blog is coming to an end. I want to finish this blog by writing my farewell message that I sent to my loved one on Skype:
“Just wanted to let you know I have loved you ♥ and I was devastated to find out earlier that I’m not the person your looking for :(. I’m going to put this experience behind me and not look back. But I wish you all the best and hope we remain in touch. I hope that for us both, we can move forward onto better things. Stay safe x”